I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
