i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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