Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
