he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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