Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
