this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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