Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
this will be a night to untag.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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