The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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