Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
