I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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