maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
