I molested 6 butterflies tonight
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
