dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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