i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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