New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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