She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The air was thick with penises
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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