I faked an abortion last night.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
