If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
