Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
