everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
