Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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