fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
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