I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
