You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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