Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
