Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
