You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
