I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
