Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
