Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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