my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
