Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
