So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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