oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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