grandma shit on top of the toilet
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
