I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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