I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
