it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
