I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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