my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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