I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
