I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
