this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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