I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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