somebody snuck up and got me drunk
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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