so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
