After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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