rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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