I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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