The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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